Celebrating 20 Years of Irreconcilable Differences--Follow-up to Part 2

This is a follow-up to my June post about almost succumbing to the big D due to the respective G and P periods in my marriage. We've just entered a new phase--THE BIG J! Unlike G & P, I'm not tempted to get the big D. However it does reconfirm that as much as we celebrate our irreconcilable differences, our brains have about as much in common as a refrigerator and a drunkard. Both hold beer--but one much more efficiently than the other.

Keep in my mind that the narcissistic-ahole-midlifecrisis-smallwee-wee car has only been in our household for a mere 7 months. I have proudly limited my passenger excursions to a handful. The car has already been in the shop at least 5 times for various malfunctions. Most recently for blowing WHITE smoke, which I'm told is worse that BLACK smoke.

I know it KILLED my husband to admit to me that he made a MISTAKE in buying that moneypit-of-a-car. It needed $3K of repairs, so Hubby decided to trade it in. I suggested something reasonable like a Toyota Camry. Nice, not showy. Good maintenance. Holds its value.

He texted me while visiting CARMAX. What do you think about a Cadillac? Well, I think it's a redneck wanna-be-rich car. ABSOLUTELY NOT!

What about a Jaguar? Are you OUTOFYOURFREAKINMIND? Jaguars are the most pretentious, ostentatious cars out there. They scream RICH, SENIOR CITIZEN WITH LOW SELF WORTH WHO NEEDS A HOOD ORNAMENT TO MAKE THEM FEEL SPECIAL. Plus the maintenance is really high. No one can fix them and it always costs a minimum of $1K for each visit.

They fixed their maintenance problems 4 years ago. Besides it's TOO LATE. I already bought it. Good news--cheaper than the Caddie and no hood ornament. 


I admit that I'm not nearly as embarrassed to ride in it as the Boxer. It's much more comfortable, has heated seats and a back seat for the boy. (Dog is NOT allowed inside the car).

 Also it came with all of these free perks. I'm convinced they were designed to pacify all the angry wives after their husbands came home with new cars. My "goody" package includes either a free CHEMICAL PEEL a.k.a. burn off your face or a free MICRODERMABRASION a.k.a. sand off your face. (THIS JUST VALIDATED THE SENIOR CITIZEN DEMOGRAPHIC. NO ONE UNDER 50 WOULD DO THAT TO THEIR FACE) I am also entitled to free dinners, wine, airport valet service and a resort vacation at various establishments in the area. It's like when rich people get the free goody bags at fundraisers for all the stuff that they can already afford like trips to Europe and a Damien Hirst print; thus don't need freebies. I plan to use every single one! Should I go for the burn or sanding?

30 Days to a Better Husband

Sometimes I read articles that make me want to bash someone's head in. In fact, my daughter and her boyfriend gifted me with the perfect head-bashing rock for Christmas. It is inscribed with the following words "Gone To Yoga".

I suppose this post could be categorized with my series entitled Celebrating 20 Years of Irreconcilable Differences, since it is TECHNICALLY about marriage and specifically MY marriage.

This wasn't a recent article. A friend emailed it to me over the summer and I just now brought myself to read it. It was reposted online from a Redbook article entitled 30 Days to a Better Husband. Before all my male readers out there start groaning and ranting about another male bashing article, it was written by a MAN.

Just so you know, I resisted reading it, because I don't need a better husband. It took me 20 years to get used to the one I have and I'm keeping him for the time being. He doesn't beat me. He isn't a porn addict. He doesn't bring home scary STDs. He likes his teenage children--imagine that. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY--he puts up with my shenanigans. (which is no small feat). In case you think my standards are too low, just look at the statistics. My hubby is in the minority.

Before I go off on why the article annoyed me--I should say that I think the author might be an alien or really a woman in disguise. OR he is making so much dinero writing self-help articles that 1 million women read (as evidenced by the 1+ million fb "likes") subjecting himself to tortuous acts, just for writing material.

The guy decided he was going to "grow-up", since that was his wife's major accusation. How did he grow-up? He bought her flowers every day for a month. That sounds a bit suspicious to me. Like he was trying to make-up for some heinous act. How could the wife appreciate the flowers, when she had to be wondering who he boinked and/or  knocked up?

The guy also decided to get into shape, returning to his teenage wrestling work-outs. This does not sound grown-up to me. It sounds like someone who is reliving their glory days and is asking for a major HERNIA or torn hamstring. Maybe he shoulda added some Redbull in with those workouts, to really rev up the heart-attack-in-the-making.

The other annoying part was that his wife rewarded his antics with lots of sex. In fact, I'm sure men everywhere will think they can get GREAT sex for the price of a few daisies.

In fairness to the author, he does have a sense of humor. "And, by the way, organic sex doesn't feel that different from conventional or processed sex." And my favorite part--"First of all, you're too scruffy to wear clothes like that, and more importantly, if you go out in those pants, the neighbors will be able to tell that you're circumcised." Upon closer inspection, I discovered that she was terrifyingly correct. I immediately changed into a pair of baggy Levis. It felt good to be back in the '90s.  


I am happy to report that MY husband got rid of his leather pants YEARS ago. Ok, maybe not years, but last summer before we moved. We gifted them to my cousin who looked like a gay cowboy wearing them.

Googled Better Husbands and this image came up with an article called Macho Men Die Early

I am also happy to report that after writing this, I no longer feel like bashing anyone's head in. And I'm enjoying my flowerless house.

Only in Texas

This is a follow-up to previous posts on Things You Gotta Love About Texas and It Would ONLY Happen in Texas. Texas has its own brand of strange signage. Most recently there was a billboard which said
MAY THE PORK BE WITH YOU. 'nuff said about that. I don't plan on frequenting that pork establishment.

I often see gun stores advertising that they buy used firearms. Does this mean that they buy them after they've been used to kill someone/something? I mean why else would they be used exactly? Excuse me sir, I'd like to buy the gun that killed the 7 people in Walmart last week.  

this came up when i googled missing elderly alert

none of the dallas signs have posted rewards. maybe more
elderly would return if they got $$

My fav sign is the elderly amber alert. On all the highways, large LED screens notify drivers of missing old folks. Honey--grandma's gone missing, called the police! MISSING ELDERLY--1975 GREEN OLDSMOBILE PLATE #2OLD2DRIVE. Apparently this is a major epidemic, since I see different signs everyday. I would expect to see this in Florida, but not Dallas. I mean it's not a major hotbed of senior dating activity.

Mussel Nurturing

This is what came up when I googled imaged mussel nurturer.

 My son has been asking me for months to cook mussels for him. I always give the canned mom spiel--maybe next time. I was finally guilted into it. I rarely eat mussels and have never cooked them before, but figured HOW HARD COULD IT BE? After finding a recipe which involved white wine, garlic and butter, I figured I was set. The directions were a bit confusing...DE-BEARD THE MUSSELS. I didn't realize mussels had beards or that I was supposed to perform surgery to remove them.
I decided I would ask the mussel guru at Whole
Foods. Within five minutes, the guy had me in a panic. Whatever you do, don't DROWN or SUFFOCATE the mussels. WHAT????? I recall that mussels can taste gritty, so it's important to WASH them. However the mussel guru told  me that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should I submerge my mussels in a tub of water or they will drown. I need to gently rinse them with running water, ensuring that they do not swallow/ingest too much. Next he tells me that they like to be cold and need to be NESTLED in the ice. Again--he warned, do NOT let them sit in melted ice water or they will drown. Apparently I have to frequently drain the melted ice and re-nestle them in new ice. Also I have to ensure that they have enough air--no closed bags for them. NO MATTER THAT MY ENTIRE CAR AND REFRIGERATOR SMELL LIKE EAU DE MUSSEL. At least they are still breathing.

Next on the list is caressing them gently before putting them in a vat of boiling wine. Drunken caressed mussels apparently taste the best. AND what happens if I fail and my mussels die? THEY EMIT A TOXIC BACTERIA THAT POISONS ALL OF US.

GEEZ LOUISE--this is more effort than caring for a small child. In fact the mussel guru said it best. It's like caring for pet, except that you kill it and eat it. 

JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M NOT NURTURING THE DEADLY TERRORIST ZEBRA MUSSEL. NO HARBORING OF TERRORISTS IN MY HOUSEHOLD.

Being Married to a 47 Year-Old Teenager

R U MARRIED TO A MIDDLE-AGED TEENAGER? TAKE THE QUIZ

Warning Signs:
1. Do you come home to a various assortment of empty snack packages, which resemble a site-specific art installation surrounding the TV?

2. Is the TV constantly blaring either a sports event or a so-called comedy--one that appeals to those who think fart jokes are funny?

3. Is your DVR filled with thousands of episodes of 2.5 Men and Family Guy?

4. When you open the refrigerator, is beer the main food staple?

5. Does your partner exhibit an inability to move off the couch, especially if domestic chores are involved?



IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO 1 OR MORE OF THE QUESTIONS, YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY MARRIED TO A MIDDLE-AGED TEENAGER. SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY. 


I've spent the last few months lamenting my dire situation. I mean I have one teenaged son already. Who wants to live with more than 1?

One night I came home to both young and old teenagers lying on the couch laughing uproariously. Sink full of dirty dishes. Snack wrappers and empty cans, bottles and glasses strewn across the small square that pretends to be a coffee table. Whining hungry dog.

Honey--why are ou letting the boy watch TV on a school night? It's your rule about no-tv during the week. Well, I came home and he was already watching TV, so I joined him.

Honey--do you really think 2.5 Men is an appropriate show for a 13 yr-old? But it's so funny. I want to watch it too. Honey--it's Charlie Sheen playing himself--a womanizing a...hole. What is so creative and funny about that? But it's very well written.


Did anyone eat dinner? In unison--YEAH, WE ATE CHIPS.
Homework? Dishes? Dog? 


At this point, they've both tuned me out--just mom nagging...AGAIN.

Sometimes they want to know why I'm so angry. Well, maybe I wouldn't turn into an EVILWITCHSHREWWOMAN if I didn't have to be the master disciplinarian all the time.

In an effort to BREATHE more and avoid the toxic cancer-causing emotions from metasticizing into stage 5, I've decided to look at the ADVANTAGES of being married to a 47yearoldteenager.

1. I will never go thirsty again. Beer is always free-flowing in my household.

2. I will never lack for a TV watching partner.

3. I will always be up-to-date on the latest sexist comedies.

4. My son will grow up knowing all the right moves.

5. I can have sex with a teenager and not go to JAIL.

It Could ONLY Happen in Texas

This is a follow-up post to Things You Gotta Love About Texas. I've been here for six weeks and I've encountered some strange things. I mean TwilightZoneStrange.
Twilight Zone theme

A friend recently asked me if I was writing all of this done. Of course I am!

1. Most Interesting Student Excuse EVER
A student arrives two hours late to class. Professor, I'm sorry I'm late. When I opened my front door, there was a big black snake on my front stoop. I had to wait until it slithered away. Me--that must have been some SLOW snake. What about the back door?

I have to tell you that this excuse would never fly in Philly. In Philly a student would say--I got mugged and the mugger stole my homework.   Or  I was late because a huge rat held me hostage. 

Girl faints as a huge black snake suckles her breast

When I google imaged big black snakes, this bizarre story came up on a Zimbabwe news site. 

Clearly weird things happen in Zimbabwe as well as Texas

2. 2nd Most Interesting Student Excuse--Disaster Averted
A girl walks into class barefoot. Professor, I'm sorry I can't attend class today. I forgot my shoes and the secretary won't allow me to stay in class. Me--I just so happen to have an extra pair in my car. Let me go get them.

I concede to forgetting lots of things--keys, phone, money, where I live...but I'm pretty sure I would never forget to wear shoes on the way to work. Not to mention it is ILLEGAL to drive barefoot. There's also the skeevefactor. Who knows what you could step on.

Devotion in Motion: Grocery Store Feet

A person with “grocery store feet” has feet that look like he spent the day walking barefoot A person with “grocery store feet” has feet that look like he spent the day walking barefoot 

This image was found on a "Country Preacher Dad" blog  whose name is John Cash. No kidding. He defines grocery store feet as a person who looks like they spent the day walking barefoot in Winn Dixie. No kidding. People really did this????

3. Cowboy Chef

I have heard of gourmet chefs, vegetarian chefs, Rachel Ray, Chef Emeril, but have never heard of a cowboy chef. I actually got to meet one in person! He lives on my cousin's ranch in Aledo, Texas. He is the real deal--I haven't seen him without his cowboy hat, boots or belt-buckle yet. My cousin said that he has cooked for the White House. The only problem with cowboy chef cuisine is that it's rather meat dominant. Not so good for a vegetarian. My cousin was very insistent that I put aside my silly vegetarian tendencies and eat a burger forgoodnesssake. So I did--my first one in over 30+ years. It was good--tasted very smoky, which I'm told is an important component to cowboy chef cuisine. 

4. Cowboy Church

This one ties into #3 and #5. I didn't realize that there were enough cowboys to warrant a cowboy church. Who knew?? I asked mr. cowboy chef what the difference between a regular church and cowboy church. He said that you don't have to take your hat off (which he vehemently disagrees with). I guess I have to go to cowboy church if I want to see him hatless. Also you can ride your horse to church. It was unclear to me whether one sings cowboy campfire songs praising Jesus or one sings regular hymns played on a harmonica. 

5. Church Worship at the Southfork Ranch, filmset of the old TV show DALLAS

This is weird on SOOO many levels.  First we got lost and were late. I mean we didn't expect to drive to a ranch for church. When we pulled in the parking lot, the attendent asked my husband to roll down the window. Are you lost sir?? Are you taking a tour of the ranch? No, we are going to church. Oh--you looked like a tourist on vacation with the palm trees on your shirt.  That and the fact that we were the only caucasian people there. 2000 people with maybe 5 other caucasians besides us. Oh and a white female minister, who preached EXACTLY like a charismatic southern black preacher. Services were held in JR EWING'S ballroom. The service was 3 hours long. We tried to sneak out towards the end and they LOCKED the doors and wouldn't let us leave until it was over. I"m soo not kidding. I'm not sure people understood the irony of worshipping on the film set where the prime character was a white Texas rancher.

Things You Gotta Love about Texas

I was initially reticent about my move. Besides a brief stint in Florida (which is full of New Yorkers), I have lived in the northeast for most of my life. I was reluctant to give up my fabulous full-time teaching position WITH MEDICAL BENEFITS at an IVY LEAGUE institution to become a gypsy adjunct making less money than I did at age 16 working as an appetizer waitress at Chi Chi's Mexican Restaurant. (NOT EVEN A REAL WAITRESS---A HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTESS WHO SERVED GUAC DIP AND NACHOS)

In an effort to stay positive about my cross-country/cross-cultural move, (it's not just the time zone that's different), I decided to make a list about all the GREAT things about the Lone Star state. (at least the Dallas area--I would HATE to make rash generalizations about the entire state)

1. Creative Fashion Attire


Where else can I wear gold-python boots, belt buckles and faux-zebra cowboy hats for occasions other than Halloween?

2. Highways
Dallas has more highways, parkways, interstates and turnpikes of any place I've been. In case I happen to FORGET I'm in Texas, there are big red stars on every concrete pillar. ADDED BONUS--Everyone drives superfast and there are many daily accidents. When feeling homesick, I can pretend that my fellow road warriors are former NYC cab drivers.

The highway near me has red stars. I found this image on google on site about public art. I'm open-minded, but this surely doesn't count as PUBLIC ART

3. Mega-churches
A mega-church is defined as a church having 2000 or more members. There are 195 of these churches in Texas. I think most of them are in my neighborhood. I went to one last weekend where the pastor said that there were 760,000 people living within a 10 mile radius of the church. His goal is to get them all in his church. Needless to say, building plans are underway to sit 2000 people/service. Right now there 1000 seats---he's only reaching a measly 3000 people/weekend. He also videotapes his message and broadcasts it to satellite locations. This way people can go to church and never have see the pastor face to face.

4. Lawn Maintenance
There are huge benefits to lawn care in this great state. For one, it is so FREAKIN hot, that all the grass is scorched. With 60+ days of 100+ degrees, I don't have to worry about keeping up with the Jones in the landscaping maintenance department. You can't mow dead grass. The drought is another added bennie. No water--it's illegal to water your grass more than 1x/week. The last benefit is living on a zero lot line. (.1 acre actually). Not much grass fits on .1 acre. I get a lovely view of the neighbor's fence. The only disadvantage is that the backyard feels like a dog kennel run--even the dog doesn't want to go out there. Incarcerated prisoners have bigger recreational areas.

5. Cookie Cutter Communities
I was initially concerned about having to become a stepford wife. However I haven't actually met any of my neighbors, so maybe stepford wives are passe. The great thing about a cookie-cutter neighborhood is that every house looks the same. No one needs to worry about individualism. I don't have to worry about overly friendly neighbors, since no one ever goes outside. TOO FREAKIN HOT--The temp reaches 95 by 7am and stays in the 100's past 9pm.
This is the view from my alley, which accesses the garages. I don't actually ever SEE my front yard, unless I'm getting the mail.