Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Thank Goodness I'm cool, but not a MILF

My cousin's daughter Lily age 11, whom I've met only once (and during her Gaga's funeral) completed this very telling facebook quiz about me. She's rather insightful for her young years. I'm cool, but not a MILF. I'm not sure if this is an insult, but I'm thinking it's OK. Do I really want to be a MILF? I'm not materialistic, nor do I need to lose weight. THIS GIRL IS MY NEW BFF. She wants to travel the word with me. What could be better? The only pitfall is that I've been accused of stealing money from my friends. (But only when I really need it!)

Do you think Colette Copeland is cool?Yes
Do you think that Colette Copeland could be a MILF?No
Do you think that Colette Copeland is materialistic?No
Do you think that Colette Copeland has ever had stitches?Yes
Do you think that Colette Copeland brushes their teeth regularly?Yes
Do you think that Colette Copeland needs to lose weight?No
Have you ever had a crush on Colette Copeland?No
Do you think that Colette Copeland will do anything to get what they want?No
Do you think that Colette Copeland has ever stolen money from their friends?Yes
Do you think that Colette Copeland has ever played strip poker?No
Do you think that Colette Copeland watches the TV show "24"?Yes
Do you think that Colette Copeland is cute?Yes
Do you think that Colette Copeland speeds when driving?Yes
Do you think that Colette Copeland would turn you in to the FBI if they asked?Yes
Would you travel the world with Colette Copeland?Yes
Do you think that Colette Copeland is a sore loser?No
Do you think that Colette Copeland lets the "yellow mellow"?No

Grossest, Most Embarrassing, but not the Bloodiest Squash Story

Someone whoshallnotbenamed shared this disturbing story this morning prior to my squash lesson. 

The squash pro was coaching a middle-aged woman and during a lunge, he heard a squish and plop noise. He saw a red blob on the floor of the squash court. Not known for his diplomacy, he rushes over and screams--EWWW! What is that blob? 

He thought it might have been the woman's gums or dentures. It turns out that it was her BLOODY TAMPON! 

As expected, the woman was mortified and has not returned for a squash lesson since. 

Incredulous, I had a lot of questions. First, I wanted to know HOW exactly this could happen. I mean wasn't she wearing underwear and shorts? Also if she was old enough to lose her dentures, then how could she still have a period? 

Then I wanted to know if they called the MOD (manager on duty) to clean up the blood. Every time there is blood on the court, a report has to be filled out and a modified version of the HAZ MAT team has to clean up the blood. (I know because I had a head on court collision, resulting in copious blood splatters) 

Not wanting to attract any further unwanted attention, the woman rushed to the ladies' room and cleaned it up herself. 

Moral of the story? WEAR UNDERWEAR WHEN YOU PLAY SQUASH! Or more kegels!

google had this image accompanying an article on pads vs. tampons. 

Clockwork Orange Choreography and Tattoos

Last night my friend Rose and I were having a post-theater drink dissecting Vaclav Havel's play Leaving (currently at the Wilma Theater). This was an upscale bar--my friend doesn't do DIVE very well. I noticed that our bartender had very elaborate, unusual tattoos on both arms. I asked him if there was a story behind them. Turns out that he is a dancer/choreographer and apparently bartender. Here is the strangely fabulous story he told.

He was working in Germany for a very difficult director on a theater production of Clockwork Orange. (already it sounds strange). He knew in advance (a premonition?) that the production would be disastrous, but it paid the big bucks, so he signed on board. The director proved to be a nightmare. He would later find out that 2 other choreographers had quit prior to opening night. He cited one particular fight scene that he choreographed, where the director butchered it. 

As a side note, he did say that the dead cat scene was done quite well. 

The production was housed in a famous old theater (can't remember the name). The ceiling had magnificent patterns. When he returned to the states (he also quit prior to opening night), he had his tattoo artist etch the fleur de lis patterns from the theater ceiling on his arms and back. 

A reminder of the one thing beautiful from the production.
A cautionary reminder about money and integrity