Tuesday, January 3, 2012

30 Days to a Better Husband

Sometimes I read articles that make me want to bash someone's head in. In fact, my daughter and her boyfriend gifted me with the perfect head-bashing rock for Christmas. It is inscribed with the following words "Gone To Yoga".

I suppose this post could be categorized with my series entitled Celebrating 20 Years of Irreconcilable Differences, since it is TECHNICALLY about marriage and specifically MY marriage.

This wasn't a recent article. A friend emailed it to me over the summer and I just now brought myself to read it. It was reposted online from a Redbook article entitled 30 Days to a Better Husband. Before all my male readers out there start groaning and ranting about another male bashing article, it was written by a MAN.

Just so you know, I resisted reading it, because I don't need a better husband. It took me 20 years to get used to the one I have and I'm keeping him for the time being. He doesn't beat me. He isn't a porn addict. He doesn't bring home scary STDs. He likes his teenage children--imagine that. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY--he puts up with my shenanigans. (which is no small feat). In case you think my standards are too low, just look at the statistics. My hubby is in the minority.

Before I go off on why the article annoyed me--I should say that I think the author might be an alien or really a woman in disguise. OR he is making so much dinero writing self-help articles that 1 million women read (as evidenced by the 1+ million fb "likes") subjecting himself to tortuous acts, just for writing material.

The guy decided he was going to "grow-up", since that was his wife's major accusation. How did he grow-up? He bought her flowers every day for a month. That sounds a bit suspicious to me. Like he was trying to make-up for some heinous act. How could the wife appreciate the flowers, when she had to be wondering who he boinked and/or  knocked up?

The guy also decided to get into shape, returning to his teenage wrestling work-outs. This does not sound grown-up to me. It sounds like someone who is reliving their glory days and is asking for a major HERNIA or torn hamstring. Maybe he shoulda added some Redbull in with those workouts, to really rev up the heart-attack-in-the-making.

The other annoying part was that his wife rewarded his antics with lots of sex. In fact, I'm sure men everywhere will think they can get GREAT sex for the price of a few daisies.

In fairness to the author, he does have a sense of humor. "And, by the way, organic sex doesn't feel that different from conventional or processed sex." And my favorite part--"First of all, you're too scruffy to wear clothes like that, and more importantly, if you go out in those pants, the neighbors will be able to tell that you're circumcised." Upon closer inspection, I discovered that she was terrifyingly correct. I immediately changed into a pair of baggy Levis. It felt good to be back in the '90s.  

I am happy to report that MY husband got rid of his leather pants YEARS ago. Ok, maybe not years, but last summer before we moved. We gifted them to my cousin who looked like a gay cowboy wearing them.

Googled Better Husbands and this image came up with an article called Macho Men Die Early
I am also happy to report that after writing this, I no longer feel like bashing anyone's head in. And I'm enjoying my flowerless house.


  1. first of all why do u feel the need to write dinero instead of money and i have a feeling that the husband is really actually gay not an alien or a woman.

    --cole williams son of the blogger

  2. Colette, I enjoy your articals. How releaving it is to know that my man may be normal afterall and that it is possible to survive 20 years of him! LOL Men are so odd!

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