Tuesday, August 6, 2013

#scarred4life and selective hearing

My rant today is two-fold:  teenagers and shoddy construction. I'll start with teenagers. Actually I will focus on one particular teenager. The one who treats my house like a hotel, leaving trails of dirty clothes and dishes in his wake.  The one who grunts in the morning, since words seem to be beyond his communicative capability. The one who walks around bare chested in his underwear.

When he was younger, I thought he had a hearing disorder. In the mornings after the 372nd time I yelled for him to wake-up, I would clang pots and pans by his head with no response. I figured he must be either 100% deaf or dead, since any normal human being would have shown some sign of auditory reaction. I soon learned that he DID have a hearing disorder. It's called IGNOREYOURMOTHERUNTILSHEGOESF...NPOSTAL. I could lie and tell you that this condition is curable, but the doctors just don't know what to do.  One doctor told me that the cure for cancer was further along than this malady.

I've since learned that this condition is unpredictable. At times symptoms include complete unresponsiveness to auditory stimuli and other times, the patient shows extreme sensitivity to low auditory frequencies. A recent case in point...

The teenager was upstairs in his bedroom with the door closed, presumably texting or playing an IPad game. My husband and I were in our bedroom with the door closed, music playing, QUIETLY having grown-up time. All of a sudden, he screams down the stairs that he can hear us. Or rather he can hear me. There are two doors and a floor separating us. He has suddenly developed bionic HAWK ears and can hear through layers of plaster and wood.

I ask him how he knows that's what we were doing and he proceeds to mimick me. Then as if that were not bad enough, he TWEETS about his experience.
heard my parents having sex. kill me now #scarred4life

Dear Scarred4Life,
I have a few tips for you. Posting thoughts about your parents' sex life on twitter is not acceptable behavior. No one likes to imagine their parents having sex, but at least your parents still HAVE it. So get over yourself and buy some sound reducing head phones. Until you are old enough to use an alarm clock, don't sleep naked. Your mother doesn't want to see that. And wear clothes around the house. Repeat--your mother doesn't want to see that.

And to whoever the contractor was that built my house--you should have to listen to your parents and children have sex for 372 straight hours. No interruptions. That might inspire some quality sound-proofing work.