Ms. Philly Hot Mom Contest and Cougars

This email exchange is blog worthy. I get my sense of humor from my uncle. 

Collette

FYI--several weeks ago I entered you into the "Ms. Hot Philly Mom" contest at Allison Dunlap's radio station.  I filled out the information and sent in a few pictures from some of the family calendars that you sent us.  I thought that you would hear about it on the radio after the winner was declared.

However, I received an email today saying that you were "among the finalists" which I don't think means much---there are probably 7-8 other Moms in the Philadelphia area with which you are competing.  I just thought you ought to know so you'll be prepared when then call for the interviews and set aside some time for the "shoots" ---as they call them.

Have a nice day

God is good all the time -- rh

---

Comer with Marilyn

Hey Uncle C,

That's way cool. Is there money involved? If it's a big payoff, I can retire, sit on the couch, watch Simpsons' re-runs and eat bon bons all day.

Did you skip ahead and look at the October pic in the family picture? Hint--I'm dressed like a dominatrix and your youngest is dressed like a unicorn pony boy. I won't tell you what he had on (or didn't) below the waist. Let me tell you, all the gay men thought he was HOT STUFF.

So I'm intrigued. Have you met Ms. Dunlap or seen her photo shoots?

I must tell you that I'm worried the competition will be stiff. There's quite a cougar population in Philly. In fact, I believe your youngest went to the cougar convention when it was here in Philly, looking for a sugar mom to pay his med school bills.  (but you didn't hear it from me)

Please know that I did everything in my power to corrupt your son while he was here. Unfortunately he was already pretty far gone when he arrived, so I couldn't do much more.

Much Love,

Colette

Is Fidelity Obsolete?

Last summer I posted on how Women's Health Magazine is really a trashy cosmo in disguise. In this summer's issue, the lead article headline reads Is Fidelity Obsolete? Women's Health investigates the biological drive to spread the love, the rise of the Facebook fling and whether faithfulness has reached its expiration date. 

The only part worth reading is a quick look at the pictures. A bereft bride figurine stands forlornly atop a 3 tier wedding cake, as her groom escapes in a helicopter. Very funny!

According to the 'studies', we are biologically programmed to cheat. One particular study concluded that a woman is more likely to cheat when she is ovulating. How did the researchers come to such a conclusion? They found evidence at a STRIP CLUB. The rationale? Men are more attracted to women during ovulation time (the caveman desire to procreate). 

Here are the compelling numbers used to prove their point. 

$335 amount strippers earned in five hours when they were ovulating.

$260 amount they earned in five hours when they weren't ovulating.

$185 amount they earned in five hours when they were menstruating.

I'm not a researcher, but I do see a few teensy-weensy problems with the study. OF COURSE THE MENSTRUATING WOMEN MADE LESS MONEY. The women are bloated, cranky, suffering from hellacious cramps and not wanting their 'customers' to see their tampon strings hanging out of their g-strings. The LAST thing they want is to have sex. 

I'm wondering about the plausibility of testing this biological theory out in strip clubs. I mean really. Don't the guys going to strip clubs hope they will get laid? Isn't that the goal? It seems a bit of a stretch to conclude that because a stripper made more money during certain times of the month, all of us are hardwired to cheat. I believe this is a slippery slope (logical fallacy). 

Also the study is lacking in specificity. How old were the strippers? Were they married or unmarried? What geographic location/s were included? What is the demographic (socio-economic class) of the customers as well as the strippers? Did the researchers perform the tests on the same days of the week? If the girl is on the rag and working on a Monday night, she's definitely screwed out of major tip money. 

Also just because a man finds a woman more attractive, why is SHE the one predisposed to cheat? Wouldn't he be the culprit? 

Women's Health concludes that just because our biology predisposes us to cheat, it doesn't mean we can't choose monogamy. Cheating is NOT inevitable. PHEW! What a revelation. I was worried. 

Following this enlightening article is 10 Things You Can Do With A Tomato. I'm not making this up. 

Coincidentally or not, dictionary.com's hot word of the week is ADULTERY. Specifically they(the unknown dictionary.com experts) examine the etymology of the words adult and adultery, asking Why is it called adultery when being unfaithful isn't a particularly adult thing to do?

After you shred the magazine, using it to line the kitty litter box, you can respond to the brilliant blog posts on the etymology debate. Here are my favorites:

shareese on August 20, 2010 at 6:25 pm

hi iam shareese i just wanted to saii hi andmore lol gansta

 luv(pretty&paid)$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$4

a on August 20, 2010 at 7:03 pm

wats ur point? that adultery is a childish (no so “adult” like) 

thing to do? i think being childish is VERY different from

 being unfaithful

 …and i reeeally dont think the “adult” that means pornographic

 has anything to do with it being a prefix in the word adultery

 it simply has to do with the fact that pornographic material

 is for adult viewers. Were u drunk when u wrote this?

Dillan on August 20, 2010 at 7:18 pm

That’s totally whatev…adultery is adultery…that’s it…

I know--profound.

 I'm on the 9th thing you can do with a tomato

 as I write this. 

The Skinny on Black Jeans

Why is it impossible to find black jeans that 

A. Don't show my butt crack

B. Fit over my calves

In my quest for black jeans, I discover that the current style is called jean 'leggings'. This translates into jeans that are so narrow, only a person with atrophied calves can wear them. For anyone with hips larger than Kate Moss (pre-pregnancy, heroin-chic), this is an incredibly unattractive look.

After leaving NY & Company in disgust, I try EXPRESS. A cute teenaged sales boy wearing a headset immediately accosts me. I tell him I'm looking for boot cut black jeans. He asks me what I want them for. I'm momentarily perplexed, since I think this might be a trick question. Uhhh, I want them to WEAR. He is shocked to learn that I don't like skinny legging jeans. Apparently I'm the first person to admit that they don't LOVE them. 

He asks me my size. I hold up the 8 and two of me could fit inside these pants. I take a 6 and a 4. Mid-rise, slight boot. I'm a bit disappointed that the jeans aren't really black, but kind of slate grey. This boy who is my daughter's age, is quite the attentive salesperson. He knocks on my dressing room door inquiring about my jean's fit. He then wants to see me in the jeans. When I open the door, he and another salesboy comment on the jeans. I feel a bit embarrassed that two teenaged boys--one straight, one gay are looking at my butt. I tell them that something must be wrong with the sizing, because I've never been a 4 in my life. NOT EVER. NOT EVEN when I was anorexic. They both exclaim, Aren't you happy that you are a 4?!!!

Given that the jeans are on sale--buy 1, get one 1/2 off, I now have the problem of finding a second pair of jeans that fit. My ever-attentive salesboy tells me how important it is to have a second pair of jeans, for when I go out to a bar. I smirk--oh, I go out to bars sooo often. Get this--the underage boy actually tells me that he will TAKE ME OUT FOR A DRINK. 

I'm guessing the commission on jeans must be pretty high. The salesboy must be under his monthly quota in order for him to resort in asking out middle-aged women. 

He decides that I MUST try the skinny jeans, since he is convinced that I will look fabulous in them. Just to humor him, I try. As I suspect, I can't even get them over my calves. When he asks how they are working out for me, I tell him that they aren't. Undeterred, he patiently continues to pass more and more jean options under the door to me. 

Finally I find a pair that fits over my calves and only shows a minor amount of butt crack, which will compliment the whale tail look. At least the muffin top won't show.