Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Celebrating Almost 22 Years of Irreconcilable Difference

Probably most of you assumed that
A. I was dead.
B. Both hands were amputated, rendering me unable to type.
C. I contracted leprosy from handling too many dead animals and went to live in a leper colony where there's no internet.

Why else would I abandon my loyal readership for 8 months?

Besides being way too busy, I've been trying to cultivate grace and inner peace. Let's just say that  snarkiness doesn't really fit into that scenario. As my sister recently texted me-"So how's that going? How much grace have you actually cultivated?" As you can tell, snarkiness runs in my family.

Since we are fast approaching the 22nd anniversary of irreconcilable differences, I thought it would be ok to vent a bit and let some of my snarkiness escape. (All for the sake of my readers, of course.) Also in case you didn't know, snarkiness is combustible and if not released on a regular basis will react in a violent manner. (Think hydrogen bomb explosion.)

VENT #1--IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
(BESIDES COMPLAINING. THAT DOES NOT COUNT.)

VENT #2--DON'T TELL ME HOW FAT YOU ARE EVERY MORNING AND EVENING, WHILE MAKING GROANING SOUNDS ON THE SCALE.

VENT #3--DON'T GRAB THE ROLL IN YOUR BELLY, SHAKE IT IN MY FACE, AND EXCLAIM HOW FAT YOU ARE. DESPITE POPULAR BELIEF, THAT IS NOT A TURN-ON.

VENT #4--WHEN I ASK YOU HOW YOUR SOCCER GAME WAS, DON'T COMPLAIN THAT IT SUCKED BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO FAT TO RUN.

VENT #5--DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT WHILE FINISHING OFF A SIX-PACK OR EATING THAT 2ND OR 3RD LATE NIGHT SNACK.

Some of you may be thinking that I'm harshing too much on my guy. But here's the deal.
YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO COMPLAIN UNLESS YOU ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO REMEDY THE SITUATION. And really, he's not fat. He's still hot after 22 years of marriage. He doesn't look like he did when he was 20, but none of us do.

You don't hear me complaining about my weight EVER. Is that because I have the perfect body? NO. NOTEVENCLOSE.
It's just that I don't want to bore my husband and myself by incessant complaining about my belly or ass fat. I have plenty of other things to complain about.

Myth #1--Bellies grow on their own. 
This is not true. Bellies cannot grow outward without lots of hard work, which usually involves copious eating and drinking.

Myth #2--Sit-ups don't decrease belly fat.
How would you know this, if you've never done one?

What's the moral? Hell if I know.
I could blablablablab on and on about how we should grow old gracefully. But that's a crock. No one wants to do that. How about this? Eat right, do your sit-ups and cardio. Celebrate with wine and chocolate and resist the urge to grab a fistful of belly fat while you are belly-aching at your spouse.




7 comments:

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  2. Your blog is so refreshing. And I, for one, quite enjoy snarkiness. Without it, life would be much less interesting...

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  3. Enjoying your blog. I can't help but think you are a Brit or Aussie Ex-Pat! Keep up the good work or good fun, depending on your point of view!

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  4. The reward for surfing...finding something entertaining. I've never heard anyone use the term snarky before. In my world they say smart ass. I like snarky better.

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  5. I enjoyed reading this blog... gud 1

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