Monday, January 30, 2012

Celebrating 20 Years of Irreconcilable Differences--Follow-up to Part 2

This is a follow-up to my June post about almost succumbing to the big D due to the respective G and P periods in my marriage. We've just entered a new phase--THE BIG J! Unlike G & P, I'm not tempted to get the big D. However it does reconfirm that as much as we celebrate our irreconcilable differences, our brains have about as much in common as a refrigerator and a drunkard. Both hold beer--but one much more efficiently than the other.

Keep in my mind that the narcissistic-ahole-midlifecrisis-smallwee-wee car has only been in our household for a mere 7 months. I have proudly limited my passenger excursions to a handful. The car has already been in the shop at least 5 times for various malfunctions. Most recently for blowing WHITE smoke, which I'm told is worse that BLACK smoke.

I know it KILLED my husband to admit to me that he made a MISTAKE in buying that moneypit-of-a-car. It needed $3K of repairs, so Hubby decided to trade it in. I suggested something reasonable like a Toyota Camry. Nice, not showy. Good maintenance. Holds its value.

He texted me while visiting CARMAX. What do you think about a Cadillac? Well, I think it's a redneck wanna-be-rich car. ABSOLUTELY NOT!

What about a Jaguar? Are you OUTOFYOURFREAKINMIND? Jaguars are the most pretentious, ostentatious cars out there. They scream RICH, SENIOR CITIZEN WITH LOW SELF WORTH WHO NEEDS A HOOD ORNAMENT TO MAKE THEM FEEL SPECIAL. Plus the maintenance is really high. No one can fix them and it always costs a minimum of $1K for each visit.

They fixed their maintenance problems 4 years ago. Besides it's TOO LATE. I already bought it. Good news--cheaper than the Caddie and no hood ornament. 

I admit that I'm not nearly as embarrassed to ride in it as the Boxer. It's much more comfortable, has heated seats and a back seat for the boy. (Dog is NOT allowed inside the car).

 Also it came with all of these free perks. I'm convinced they were designed to pacify all the angry wives after their husbands came home with new cars. My "goody" package includes either a free CHEMICAL PEEL a.k.a. burn off your face or a free MICRODERMABRASION a.k.a. sand off your face. (THIS JUST VALIDATED THE SENIOR CITIZEN DEMOGRAPHIC. NO ONE UNDER 50 WOULD DO THAT TO THEIR FACE) I am also entitled to free dinners, wine, airport valet service and a resort vacation at various establishments in the area. It's like when rich people get the free goody bags at fundraisers for all the stuff that they can already afford like trips to Europe and a Damien Hirst print; thus don't need freebies. I plan to use every single one! Should I go for the burn or sanding?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

30 Days to a Better Husband

Sometimes I read articles that make me want to bash someone's head in. In fact, my daughter and her boyfriend gifted me with the perfect head-bashing rock for Christmas. It is inscribed with the following words "Gone To Yoga".

I suppose this post could be categorized with my series entitled Celebrating 20 Years of Irreconcilable Differences, since it is TECHNICALLY about marriage and specifically MY marriage.

This wasn't a recent article. A friend emailed it to me over the summer and I just now brought myself to read it. It was reposted online from a Redbook article entitled 30 Days to a Better Husband. Before all my male readers out there start groaning and ranting about another male bashing article, it was written by a MAN.

Just so you know, I resisted reading it, because I don't need a better husband. It took me 20 years to get used to the one I have and I'm keeping him for the time being. He doesn't beat me. He isn't a porn addict. He doesn't bring home scary STDs. He likes his teenage children--imagine that. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY--he puts up with my shenanigans. (which is no small feat). In case you think my standards are too low, just look at the statistics. My hubby is in the minority.

Before I go off on why the article annoyed me--I should say that I think the author might be an alien or really a woman in disguise. OR he is making so much dinero writing self-help articles that 1 million women read (as evidenced by the 1+ million fb "likes") subjecting himself to tortuous acts, just for writing material.

The guy decided he was going to "grow-up", since that was his wife's major accusation. How did he grow-up? He bought her flowers every day for a month. That sounds a bit suspicious to me. Like he was trying to make-up for some heinous act. How could the wife appreciate the flowers, when she had to be wondering who he boinked and/or  knocked up?

The guy also decided to get into shape, returning to his teenage wrestling work-outs. This does not sound grown-up to me. It sounds like someone who is reliving their glory days and is asking for a major HERNIA or torn hamstring. Maybe he shoulda added some Redbull in with those workouts, to really rev up the heart-attack-in-the-making.

The other annoying part was that his wife rewarded his antics with lots of sex. In fact, I'm sure men everywhere will think they can get GREAT sex for the price of a few daisies.

In fairness to the author, he does have a sense of humor. "And, by the way, organic sex doesn't feel that different from conventional or processed sex." And my favorite part--"First of all, you're too scruffy to wear clothes like that, and more importantly, if you go out in those pants, the neighbors will be able to tell that you're circumcised." Upon closer inspection, I discovered that she was terrifyingly correct. I immediately changed into a pair of baggy Levis. It felt good to be back in the '90s.  

I am happy to report that MY husband got rid of his leather pants YEARS ago. Ok, maybe not years, but last summer before we moved. We gifted them to my cousin who looked like a gay cowboy wearing them.

Googled Better Husbands and this image came up with an article called Macho Men Die Early
I am also happy to report that after writing this, I no longer feel like bashing anyone's head in. And I'm enjoying my flowerless house.