Thursday, June 2, 2011

Celebrating 20 Years of Irreconcilable Differences--Part 2

Shocking as it may sound, I haven't ALWAYS celebrated our irreconcilable differences (I.D. for short). In fact, there have been a few times where I almost jumped on the bandwagon with the 1,135,000 other Americans who annually get the big D due to I.D. However, I'm not known for my conformity and I resisted the temptation.

What may you ask would tempt me to stray from my non-conformist behavior? I will call it the big G period a.k.a. pre-middle life crisis period. For those who do not know the story, my husband went out and bought a GLOCK 9MM and hid it under the bed. You may be wondering how I discovered his new toy. I grew suspicious after he was uncharacteristically nice to me one night. "Oh you are so sexy and beautiful. I love you so much." WHAT HAVE YOU DONE????

The gun was supposedly purchased to "PROTECT" the family from ax-murdering, child-molesting intruders. Up to now, he always kept a baseball bat by the bed. Suffering from the ALMOST-40-TOXIC-SHOCK-SYNDROME, he no longer felt confident in his brain-bashing abilities. Nevermind that we could have just activated the built-in security system.

I told him that he and his Glock could go live HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER somewhere else. The big G almost caused the big D.

Most recently we entered into a new phase of our marriage, which I've labeled the P period a.k.a. the acute-mid-life-crisis period. Recently promoted, my husband had to relinquish his company car and purchase a vehicle. He comes home one day and says "I think I'm going to buy this car."

"Honey, why would you want to buy a car that screams NARCISSISTIC A-HOLE, IN A MID-LIFE CRISIS, WITH A SMALL WEEWEE?
(I've edited my language for a PG rating)

"Honey, why would you want to buy a car that I can't drive? Why would you buy a car that only fits two people? What about the kids?"

"Honey, remember you company's mission statement is all about servant leadership. What kind of servant leader drives a car like that? Shouldn't you be setting an example for your employees?"

The rebuttal: You make some excellent points that I agree with. BUT it's a good deal and it will be fun.

He tried to convince me that he was actually doing the good samaritan thing by buying the car from a friend who was moving to Africa. "He needs the money and I need a car."

If you are a FB friend, you may have seen the postings guessing what kind of car now sits in my garage. The first guess was a corvette, which everyone agreed (including my husband) was a smaller wee-wee car than his current purchase. (On a side note, his boss drives a corvette. I'm not sure whether this strengthened or weakened my servant leader argument. Draw your own conclusions).

As difficult as it is, I'm resisting the big D once again. When asked if I loved riding in it, I told him that people are looking at me. Not with envy, but with disdain. Look at that women in the Porsche Boxer. She is married to a narcissistic a-hole, in a mid-life crisis with a small wee-wee. Think of how many starving children in Africa they could feed just with the cost of the gas.

What saved me from the big D was the realization that this car may be an essential component for my new art project--a 2 year performance piece as a stepford wife in Plano, Texas. I'm currently in negotiations with Lifetime TV. They think it will blow Housewives of New Jersey right out of the water.

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