Saturday, September 26, 2009

How Sexy is YOUR name?

So far, I have avoided taking ANY facebook quizzes (until today). I really don't care 'how well' you know me, nor do I care what Simpsons',  Star Wars or Charlie's Angel character I most closely resemble. I don't feel the need to identify with a particular rockstar, artstar, starstar, emotion, color or food. (Especially if it is from the 80's). So why did I feel the need to take the sexy name test? 

Perhaps, because it did not require effort. I only typed in my name and got my sexy quotient. Colette Copeland, your name is TOO sexy--340 points. So I already KNEW I had a cool name. I wasn't satisfied. The quiz didn't divulge what constitutes a SEXY name. What is the criteria that the hidden Facebook judges use to determine sexiness? Most importantly, who has TIME to come up with these ridiculous quizzes? 

Because I was procrastinating and avoiding editing multitudes of essays, I decided to continue to test facebook. My brother-in-law FB chatted me telling me that he scored a 308. hmmm His name is rather common--Christopher Roger Williams. Then my friend Asif Talukdar FB me, saying that he only scored a  58. How can this be? 

I immediately put in my sisters' names. No competition there. Candy Cash--165, Carla Peace--227, and Courtney Courie--259. First of all, I don't think it gets much sexier than Candy Cash. Come on--let's be real here. And second of all, her message was DAMN sexy. I don't know about you, but I think DAMN sexy is WAY better than TOO sexy. You definitely have the curse word going for you. Of course I am HAPPY that my score beats out my sisters' scores.

Next I put in Ian Williams (yawn)--214. Next I put in Ian Copeland--243. This just proves my point. I TRIED to convince Ian to take my name, but to no avail. 

Kids--Camille Williams--323. When I ADD her middle name (MY NAME) Camille Copeland Williams, her score shoots to 503, proving that her middle name ROCKS. Cole Williams--248, but Cole Roger Williams--345 and Cole Roger Williams III--375. What does this prove? That sexiness is derived from names with more than 3 words and numerals? Or that the FACEBOOK QUIZZES ARE BOTH RACIST AND CLASSIST?

Just for fun, I put in my full name, which includes my mother's maiden name, my father's name and my stepfather's name--Colette Carpenter Copeland Cash and broke the bank--594 POINTS!! Unfortunately I'm still in the TOO sexy category, which seems somewhat unfair, given that I just increased 250 points. Ian will be happy to note that when his name is added to the already unwieldy name of Colette Carpenter Copeland Cash Williams that I'm now up to 745 points. STILL TOO SEXY.

So what can be concluded from this utter waste of time? 

However, you can log-on and take your own sexy name quiz or join the facebook group--

This group is mostly addressed to all those people who hate these stupid quizzes on facebook...join in guys i know there are alot of you who hate them!!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Deadly Distractions

This week I had to take the Fleet Defense Alert online driving course to get certified to drive a 15 person passenger van. First of all, the name itself is scary--FLEET DEFENSE ALERT. It sounds like a homeland security buzzword. The course has 9 modules and was SUPPOSED to take 90 minutes to complete. It has taken me FOUR days.

Day 1 was spent figuring out how to get the modules to open. This required an emergency visit from a computer fairy who magically reconfigured my computer. Apparently cookies paralyze the modules. I'm not a computer genius, but I'm guessing these aren't the chocolate chip kind.

Next I patiently listened to an annoying MALE voice tell me how easy it would be to crash and roll my vehicle killing every one of my passengers. The annoying male voice even gave me some statistics to back up his claim. His voice was so cheerful and upbeat, while delivering his gloom and doom schpeal, that I immediately had thoughts of rolling my vehicle over him, crushing him to death.

I successfully complete the first 4 modules and find that NONE of my scores have been recorded and now I have to start all over again! We are now into DAY 3.

Deadly Distractions--this is the title of the 5th module. Did you know that cell phones are a distraction and cause 33,000 injuries and 2600 deaths annually? Did you know that driving while distracted is as risky as driving intoxicated? I wonder what the statistics are for driving while distracted and intoxicated?

I learned that I should NOT check out the hot guy in the other car or watch for signs leading to garage sales, since both of these are considered DEADLY DISTRACTIONS. I learned that I can no longer shower, shave, get dressed, put on make-up and blow dry my hair while driving. (Ok--so I don't really do this, but statistics show that 8% of deadly distraction accidents are caused by shaving while driving, 8% due to hair styling and 20% due to make-up) I'm wondering what you do with the shaving cream?

Mr. Annoying does not say how many accidents are caused by turning around and YELLING at your children while driving. This I do A LOT.

The embarrassing part of this story is that I FAIL this module. I FAIL because I was too DISTRACTED. Always in proper multi-tasking mode, I was checking email, facebook, texting, filing my nails and editing my syllabus all during my training.

Despite my failure, I take comfort in the fact that only 29% of accidents are caused by distracted drivers. I have the odds on my side.

The following phrase is indelibly imprinted/scarred? upon my brain: