Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Why I'm a Poor Candidate for an I.V. Drug User

1. My fear of needles is only equalled by my fear of spiders and liver. 

Yesterday I went to the dentist's office for a teeny-weeny filling (or so the dentist promised). He brought out the foot long needle of novocaine and promised it would just sting a little. HE LIED. IT HURT. A LOT. 10 minutes later, he checks to see if I'm numb. I try to tell him that I can still feel my lips, so perhaps the novocaine didn't work correctly. He ignores me and drills. IT HURTS. A LOT. After frantically waving my hands in the air, he pauses and looks ANNOYED. Then he gives me another shot. He drills again. IT HURTS. A LOT. He looks MORE ANNOYED as he not so patiently explains that he's BARELY TOUCHING my tooth. Dr. Demon Dentist injects SHOT #3 and resumes drilling. I give up and close my eyes trying to imagine if this is what HELL is like. After the appt. is over, I realize that the entire right side of my face is NUMB. In fact, it is so numb, that I'm drooling like a paralyzed stroke patient. The dentist tells me that it will wear off in 2 hours--"Don't eat or drink, you might chew off your tongue or cheek." Eight hours later, I am still drooling and slurring my words. 

2. Drugs affect me a bit differently than most people.

(see example above)
The most horrid example of this was during labor with my first child. I wasn't going to be a martyr. I yelled for drugs the minute I entered the hospital. I am convinced the anesthesiologists are really sadists in disguise, because they always wait until you are writhing in agony before administering the drugs. Everyone had told me that the epidural was FABULOUS. You could drink tea and converse while having a baby. THEY LIED. I finally get the epidural and it doesn't work. Correction, it only works on one side of the body. So while one side is comfortably numb, the other side feels every single contraction and pain. When the drug bill came, it was $1500 for the shot that didn't work. I tried to dispute the charge. I thought it was only fair to pay for half, since it only worked on half. Unfortunately the hospital billing dept. didn't agree and reported my lack of payment to collections.  

3. Bad trips

The most compelling reason to avoid drugs is the possibility for a bad trip. When I tried a recreational drug (only once kids and it was in college), it was BAD. REALLY BAD. My boyfriend had convinced me of bliss. Instead I saw spiders and snakes crawling over the entire room. Sinister men in black lurked in the shadows ready to kill me. My teeth chattered and I had the shakes for two days. 

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