Friday, February 13, 2009

Raccoon Rapist

This is embarrassing to admit. I should be following the news about the atrocious fire in Australia or Obama's economic stimulus plan. Instead, I'm obsessing over trash news. I found it impossible to let this one go by without some sort of comment. In case you missed this newsbreaking story, a drunken man went to the hospital after attempting to rape a raccoon, who bit off the guy's penis. In case you think this is an urban myth, I'm typing the story below. It appeared in newspapers worldwide. 

Toothy Raccoon Bit Off Manhood by Leon Watson Published 26 Jan. 2009.
A feisty raccoon has bitten off a pervert's penis as he was trying to rape the animal. Alexander Kirilov, 44 was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the toothy, but terrified fur ball. "When I saw the raccoon I thought I'd have some fun", he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow. Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood. "He's been told they can get things working again but they can't sew back on what the raccoon bit off said a a pal. "That's gone forever, so there isn't going to be much for them to work with."

As a side note, my Septa train conductor, who I fondly refer to as Karma Joe filled me in on this breaking news event when it was featured in the Philly Metro. So I have some questions. First of all, why would the man ADMIT to raping a raccoon? That does not make any sense at all. He could have claimed some sort of freak accident. Second, how is it physiologically possible to conduct such a feat? Raccoons are not the most passive animals, nor are they well... large. I'm not even sure that it would work anatomically. So if I get past the skepticism and choose to believe that this actually occurred, I'm left with a few comments. I figure if the guy is so desperate that the raccoon is his only option, perhaps he doesn't deserve to have his manhood in tact. They might need to send out a sexual predator alert to all mid-sized mammals in his geographical area. My other thought is that it reveals such a desperate and sad state of our culture. Not only do these events occur, but  we relish reading them in the news. 

1 comment:

  1. That is so funny. Good for the raccoon. I hope the surgeons did not work too hard and restoring this one.