Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Being Married to a 47 Year-Old Teenager

R U MARRIED TO A MIDDLE-AGED TEENAGER? TAKE THE QUIZ

Warning Signs:
1. Do you come home to a various assortment of empty snack packages, which resemble a site-specific art installation surrounding the TV?

2. Is the TV constantly blaring either a sports event or a so-called comedy--one that appeals to those who think fart jokes are funny?

3. Is your DVR filled with thousands of episodes of 2.5 Men and Family Guy?

4. When you open the refrigerator, is beer the main food staple?

5. Does your partner exhibit an inability to move off the couch, especially if domestic chores are involved?



IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO 1 OR MORE OF THE QUESTIONS, YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY MARRIED TO A MIDDLE-AGED TEENAGER. SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY. 


I've spent the last few months lamenting my dire situation. I mean I have one teenaged son already. Who wants to live with more than 1?

One night I came home to both young and old teenagers lying on the couch laughing uproariously. Sink full of dirty dishes. Snack wrappers and empty cans, bottles and glasses strewn across the small square that pretends to be a coffee table. Whining hungry dog.

Honey--why are ou letting the boy watch TV on a school night? It's your rule about no-tv during the week. Well, I came home and he was already watching TV, so I joined him.

Honey--do you really think 2.5 Men is an appropriate show for a 13 yr-old? But it's so funny. I want to watch it too. Honey--it's Charlie Sheen playing himself--a womanizing a...hole. What is so creative and funny about that? But it's very well written.


Did anyone eat dinner? In unison--YEAH, WE ATE CHIPS.
Homework? Dishes? Dog? 


At this point, they've both tuned me out--just mom nagging...AGAIN.

Sometimes they want to know why I'm so angry. Well, maybe I wouldn't turn into an EVILWITCHSHREWWOMAN if I didn't have to be the master disciplinarian all the time.

In an effort to BREATHE more and avoid the toxic cancer-causing emotions from metasticizing into stage 5, I've decided to look at the ADVANTAGES of being married to a 47yearoldteenager.

1. I will never go thirsty again. Beer is always free-flowing in my household.

2. I will never lack for a TV watching partner.

3. I will always be up-to-date on the latest sexist comedies.

4. My son will grow up knowing all the right moves.

5. I can have sex with a teenager and not go to JAIL.





7 comments:

  1. Good job Colette! Keep breathing more and beyond ridding yourself of toxins you may find your inner teenager.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not married to...but live with!

    ReplyDelete
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